When Getting It Right Starts Feeling Personal

Have you ever watched someone else make a mistake and thought almost nothing of it?

They forgot something. Missed a deadline. Said the wrong thing. Tried something that didn't work.

And your reaction was basically, Eh. It happens.

Then you do the exact same thing?

Completely different story.

Now it's embarrassing. You should've known better. You replay what happened and wonder what everyone else thought about it.

And somehow the grace that was incredibly easy to extend to somebody else is nowhere to be found when you're the one who needs it.

I've wondered about that.

Why can I look at someone else's mistake and see a person who made a mistake, but look at my own and start questioning what it says about me?

Because I don't think perfectionism is always as obvious as needing everything to be literally perfect.

Sometimes it looks like really high standards.

Being prepared.

Caring deeply about the quality of your work.

Wanting to get things right.

All things I happen to like about myself.

I don't want to stop caring. I don't want to lower my standards. And I definitely don't want to become someone who decides mediocre is healthier and calls it growth.

But I do want to know when my standards stop being about the thing I'm doing and start becoming about me.

That's the question I didn't know to ask for a long time.

If something doesn't go the way I wanted, am I disappointed because I genuinely care about the outcome?

Or because I'm embarrassed that someone saw me get it wrong?

Am I spending more time on this because it actually needs more work?

Or because I'm trying to make sure there's nothing anyone could criticize?

Am I preparing because preparation matters?

Or am I trying to eliminate every possible chance of looking like I didn't know what I was doing?

Same behavior on the outside.

Very different experience on the inside.

And I think that's why perfectionism can be so hard to recognize in ourselves.

It can look incredibly responsible.

Over-prepare? You're thorough.

Take on more? You're dependable.

Keep tweaking? You care about quality.

Spend way too much time making sure you've thought of every possible outcome? You're prepared.

There may be truth in all of those things.

But I started noticing that sometimes I wasn't only trying to do something well.

I was trying to make it impossible for anyone to find something wrong with it.

That's a very different assignment.

And an impossible one.

Because eventually someone won't like what you do.

You'll miss something.

You'll make the wrong call.

You'll disappoint somebody.

You'll put something into the world and realize later how you could've made it better.

No amount of preparation can remove the possibility of being human in public.

Which, if I'm being fair, is incredibly inconvenient.

But maybe that's also why the pursuit of perfect can be so exhausting.

Perfect isn't just a really high standard if you're using it as protection.

Now it has to keep you from being judged.

Keep you from disappointing people.

Keep you from feeling embarrassed.

Keep anyone from questioning whether you're capable.

Keep you from ever having to wonder if you were enough.

That's a lot to ask from a presentation. Or a clean house. Or a parenting decision. Or an Instagram post. Or whatever else you're trying so hard to get right.

This is the part I don't want us to lose.

I think sometimes we talk about perfectionism as though the solution is to stop caring so much.

I don't buy that.

There are things worth doing really well.

There are times when details matter.

There are places where being prepared, thoughtful and committed to excellence absolutely serves us and the people around us.

I want to keep all of that.

I just don't want excellence to have the additional job of proving something about me.

That's where the distinction gets interesting.

I can look at something I did and say, That wasn't my best.

I can realize I got something wrong.

I can receive feedback.

I can go back and improve something.

I can wish I'd handled a situation differently.

None of that requires the next sentence to be:

What does this say about me?

And maybe that's where grace enters this conversation for me.

Not as permission to stop trying.

Not as an excuse for doing things halfway.

Grace gives me room to be a person who is still learning without making every imperfect moment a verdict.

I can care deeply about growth without believing I have to perform perfectly to be worthy while I'm growing.

That's a very different way to live.

And I wish I could tell you I've mastered it.

Ahem.

I still really like getting things right.

I still have moments where I overthink, overprepare or spend entirely too much time trying to make something better because I'm convinced it's just not quite there yet.

Sometimes it really isn't there yet.

Other times?

I have to ask what I'm waiting for.

Better?

Or safe?

Because those aren't always the same thing.

Maybe that's worth noticing in your own life too.

Think about something you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to get right.

You don't have to lower the standard.

You don't have to stop caring.

Just ask yourself what you need “getting it right” to give you.

A better result?

Or protection from how you might feel if you get it wrong?

Because maybe the goal isn't to stop wanting excellence.

Maybe it's letting excellence be something you pursue instead of somewhere you hide.

Want to keep going with this conversation?
🎧 Listen to Episode 23: Perfectionism, Self-Worth, and the Grace to Stop Performing →