Why Is It So Hard to Believe the Good Things People Say About You?

Someone gives you a compliment. A real one.

“You're really good at this.”

“You handled that so well.”

“I don't know how you do everything you do.”

And what happens in your head? Do you actually let it land?

Or are you immediately explaining it away?

Well, they don't know how much I messed up behind the scenes.

They're just being nice.

Yeah, but I should've done...

Meanwhile, someone says one thing that confirms a doubt you've had about yourself for years and you're like, See? Knew it.

Why is that?

Why can ten people see something good in us and we struggle to believe them, while one comment that confirms what we're already afraid of feels immediately credible?

I've lived there.

There have been seasons where I could collect all kinds of evidence that I was doing well and somehow none of it felt permanent. The accomplishment felt good. The compliment felt good. The approval felt good.

But it didn't settle anything.

It was almost like pouring water into something with a tiny hole in the bottom. It worked for a minute, but eventually I needed more. Another win. Another person telling me I was doing a good job. Another reason to believe I was on the right track.

And I don't think I realized how exhausting that was because, from the outside, it looked a lot like ambition.

I was growing, working, accomplishing things, trying to become better. All good things.

The problem wasn't wanting any of them.

The problem was expecting them to answer a question they couldn't answer for me:

Am I okay?

This is where our conversation about perfectionism and this one touch, but they're not quite the same thing.

Sometimes perfectionism asks an outcome to protect us from feeling inadequate.

But what about when we get the outcome? We do the thing well. People approve. We have the evidence right there in front of us...

and we're still looking around for reassurance.

That's what started getting my attention.

Because if the next accomplishment is finally going to make me feel confident, what happens after I accomplish it? If another person's approval is going to make me believe I'm enough, how long does that belief last?

What happens when they change their mind? Or someone else doesn't approve? Or I enter a room where nobody knows what I've accomplished?

Anything I use to establish my worth has to be able to hold the weight I'm putting on it.

And approval moves. Results move. Roles move. Numbers definitely move.

Good grief, social media will give you an existential crisis before breakfast if you let it decide how you're doing.

So maybe the problem isn't that we need more evidence.

Maybe we're asking evidence to do something it was never capable of doing.

I've had to think about what confidence actually means to me because of this.

I used to think confidence came from knowing I could do something. And experience absolutely helps. Competence matters. The more you practice something, the more confident you're probably going to feel doing it.

But there's another kind of confidence underneath that.

The kind that says, Even if this doesn't go the way I hope, I will still be okay.

That's different.

Because now I don't need every result to reassure me. I can want the opportunity without needing it to validate me. I can enjoy the compliment without needing to build my identity on it.

I can be proud of something I accomplished without immediately turning it into proof that I deserve to feel good about myself.

And I can receive criticism without assuming it cancels every good thing that came before it.

That's steadiness.

For me, faith is where this becomes more than a mindset exercise.

If I believe my identity is rooted in God, then worth isn't something the world gets to vote on every day.

That doesn't mean I suddenly stop caring what anyone thinks.

Clearly.

And it doesn't mean criticism doesn't sting or compliments don't feel good. Of course they do.

It means neither one gets the final word.

I'm not more worthy on the day everyone applauds, and I'm not less worthy on the day I get it wrong.

The circumstances can tell me something about my performance. They can teach me, correct me, encourage me, give me information.

But they don't get to decide who I am.

Maybe that's the kind of confidence I've actually been looking for.

Not confidence that says, I know I'll succeed.

Confidence that says, I know who I am whether I do or not.

So the next time someone says something good about you, notice what happens.

Do you receive it? Or do you immediately start presenting evidence for why they're mistaken?

You don't have to make the compliment prove anything.

Maybe just let it be true.

And if you notice yourself needing the next win, the next number or the next person's approval before you can feel settled again, maybe ask what you're hoping it will finally tell you.

Because sometimes we keep collecting evidence for a question that was never meant to be answered from the outside.

Want to keep going with this conversation?
🎧 Listen to Episode 25: Stop Operating from Insecurity — Start Living from Identity →